


Not broken (nor bent)

by ThatOneGirlBehindYou



Series: Two Sugars-verse [5]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Aromantic Awareness Week, Aromantic Gerard Keay, Character Study, Established Relationship, Gen, Gerry Week 2021 (The Magnus Archives), Internalized Arophobia, Past Relationship(s), Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 13:47:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30039612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatOneGirlBehindYou/pseuds/ThatOneGirlBehindYou
Summary: And then Martin comes in.Only Gerry, who thought himself whole after finding love at last, understands pretty soon that... he's not in love.
Relationships: Gerard Keay/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Martin Blackwood/Gerard Keay, Martin Blackwood/Gerard Keay/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Series: Two Sugars-verse [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1755319
Comments: 8
Kudos: 75





	Not broken (nor bent)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi y'all
> 
> Guess who's late to both the Gerry week and the AroAce week that's right ya bitxh <3
> 
> Anyways have a little exploration of Gerry's aromanticism in the Two Sugars verse, please heed the tags and take care of yourself.
> 
> Also, this piece doubles a bit as an exploration of my own aromanticism, and some of the thoughts Gerry expresses to himself are things I've felt and struggled to accept as well, so I guess what I'm saying is hmmmm.... be gentle if you do choose to comment, please. It's not a super personal piece, but it's close to my heart, and my flavor of aromantic is definitely not the only way to be Aro, everyone is valid and I love you all.
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** Gerry in this fic expresses (to himself) some thoughts that sound and taste slightly arophobic, as well as the mistaken belief that love could have "fixed" or "cured" his mother. These thoughts and beliefs are not validated or treated as correct assumptions either by Gerry himself or the narrative.

It is not, of course, that Gerry doesn't believe in love. Not when his entire life has been marked, positively filled to the brim with it.

He's loved unconditionally from the moment he's first placed in his father's arms, from the moment his grandmother first lays eyes on him, and he has loved _so many times_ that to deny it would be doing a disservice not only to himself, but to all the ones he's loved and been loved by in return.

He does always scoff at the idea of _romance_ , of course. After all, wasn't that the noose that tightened around his father's neck, the chain that didn't let him flee before it was too late? It wasn't enough to "fix" his mother, little Gerry used to think. The Beauty and the Beast is only a sweet story when both get out of it alive.

The mere idea of it is repulsive to him, leaving himself so vulnerable to another person, and despite a couple relationships sprinkled here and there, Gerry never quite falls in love. Not even with sweet, gentle Tim, who upon hearing this confession many, many years later over quite a few empty bottles of beer, merely chuckles and shakes his head.

"I think I kind of knew, even back then. It's alright," he says, and Gerry wants to _scream_ because how can he begin to explain that even now he feels guilty at how much he fucked up, because he did love Tim an _awful_ lot, just- just not in the way Tim needed.

Back then, when he parts from the kiss with Tim's taste on his tongue and Jon's name on his lips, the realization _terrifies_ him.

It takes him a while to figure out that this emotion he feels for the man he's loved for years now is new and different, and the strength of it after they start dating sweeps him off his feet. Was this what he was missing all this time? What he'd been denying himself?

It- it was probably just a phase, he thinks. He didn't know better, he was just too young. Anything he could or couldn't feel before is in the past, and from here on he has Jon, he's in love, and he's _complete_.

And then Martin comes in.

Gerry knows almost immediately that Jon likes the man. Hell, he knows immediately that _he_ likes the man, he's funny, he's smart, and he's of course hot as hell.

It's actually Gerry who asks him out to lunch with him and Jon, much to his boyfriend's mortification. They have a lovely time, and when he and Jon go back to their flat and have perhaps their first serious talk in years about what this might mean for them, he finds himself agreeing that he likes Martin, and he's got absolutely no qualms about bringing him into the relationship, only...

Only Gerry, who thought himself whole after finding love at last, understands pretty soon that... he's not in love.

Martin is- he's great. Patient and kind and a little bit of a bitch at times, why can't he bring himself to feel that way about him? Gerry tries, he really does. He calls the man his boyfriend, and he flirts and goes out with him, but- there's something broken inside him, and after a few months in, he's pretty much convinced he loves Martin, but... it's just not the same as what he feels for Jon.

It's about three or four months into the relationship that he decides this isn't fair.

They can probably make it work, can't they? Share Jon, maybe fuck every once in a while if they feel the need, just- it isn't fair for Martin to be with someone that doesn't love him the way he loves. He deserves a lot more than what Gerry can give him, or at least the chance to make an informed decision.

"I mean," Melanie says with a shrug when he tells her of his plans. "I'm with you if that's what you want, but I'd give it a couple weeks if I were you."

"But- I don't- it feels like I'm taking advantage of him, firecracker."

"Do you love him?"

"Well... Yes? But I'm not-"

"Yes yes, I heard that." She rolls her eyes, and points accusingly at him with her fried chip. "It's Valentine's day this weekend, I'll personally punch you in the dick."

"...An undisputable argument, as always."

So Gerry waits. Just a week, he tells himself, and it's a good period of time to think it over, isn't it? Make sure he's not about to make things difficult for Jon and Martin just because he can't-

Besides... He feels comfortable with Martin. Safe. Loved. They're friends, despite anything Gerry might or might not feel about him, and he hasn't felt that way about one of his loveless crushes since the thing with Tim, and it's both reassuring and terrifying, because whatever he might or might not feel, he doesn't want to hurt a friend like that ever again.

On the eve of the seventh day, they're watching a terrible zombie film, when Martin chuckles lightly at a joke Gerry said, shaking his head.

"You're so lucky you're pretty, dear," he says, before laying a kiss on Gerry's forehead, and it's like _a switch flipped_.

"Are you okay?" Jon asks that very night, because of course he'd fucking smell the slightest change in his behavior as soon as it happens.

"Yeah, I'm- uh-" Gerry looks up at the ceiling, feeling his stupid face heat up just like it did so many years ago when Tim (after all was said and done) nudged his shoulder with a teasing grin and a single 'So... Jon, huh?'

"...Gerry?"

"...I think I'm in love with Martin," he finally spits out. Like ripping a band-aid, if the band-aid took with it like all of his arm hair and several inches of skin.

Jon blinks. "I... That's good? He's our boyfriend."

"No." Gerry turns around so abruptly Jon flinches back. "No, Jon- I think I'm _in love_ with Martin." There must be something in his voice when he says it, because Jon's eyes seem to clear of confusion, and Gerry feels like a weight has lifted off his chest. "Jon, I don't usually- I-"

"Uh- give me- I'll be right back. Let me- Georgie showed me a really good magazine back when- hold that thought ok?"

Gerry doesn't know whether he should laugh or cry, when Jon comes back to bed with a magazine that looks like it's from their uni years, with a colorful rainbow in the cover and all sorts of glossy letters he can't focus on right now because he feels a bit dizzy, as Jon begins to flip the pages until he comes to a stop at a page with flag in shades of grey and green.

"Like this?" Jon asks, careful in a way Gerry remembers from when they were kids and Jon wanted to know about his dad.

"Jon, I don't- this is very sweet, but I don't think this fits."

"...Oh. That's okay too. I'm sorry, I just thought-"

"No, it's- I- it's just- Jon, I'm- I've been in love with you for my whole life."

Jon, the menace, at least has the self-presence to give an embarrassed chuckle and look away.

"Surely not your entire life."

"Okay, maybe not my _whole_ life," Gerry rolls his eyes smiling. "But kind of. So it really doesn't make sense."

Jon purses his lips together for a moment, like he wants to say something, but can't bring himself to do it. Gerry lays a hand down on his knee, and Jon looks up.

"What-"

"There's uh- there's people like me. That- that feel attracted to people sometimes. Sexually," Jon says slowly, carefully. Gerry opens his mouth to tell him they don't need to talk about this if it makes him uncomfortable, but Jon lifts a hand to stop him. "They're not any less- it's still their identity. I don't see why they can be grey, and not you."

"...Grey," Gerry repeats, trying to pour enough confusion into the word that he won't have to outright ask Jon what the fuck he means.

Jon has the _nerve_ to sigh, and point at a paragraph in the magazine page like a tired teacher, when Gerry knows perfectly well he didn't have _a clue_ about these things until Georgie sat him down with this very magazine and-

"Would you just _look_ at it?"

Oh. Right. The magazine with the answer to his identity crisis.

" _You're_ grey," Gerry mumbles, very much _not_ sulking as he snatches the magazine from Jon's hands to read the page.

"Maybe," Jon shrugs. "I'll wait here."

He does wait.

And he waits a bit more, when Gerry lowers the magazine slowly, and picks up his phone to Google some definitions. He waits even _longer_ , while Gerry stares at the wall across the room for five full minutes like it's personally wronged him.

"I'm- huh."

"Feels comfortable?" Jon asks, careful again. "It doesn't have to. It's just- it's a label. I just thought- it made me feel a lot better to know I wasn't the only person to feel this way."

"It's- it does explains some things." Gerry lays back on the bed, engaging the ceiling in another staring contest. "Many things."

Jon comes to lay down by his side, resting his head on Gerry's chest, and when he speaks again Gerry has a spare second to wish the room would cave in and kill him, because it's _his_ job to tease Jon, not the other way around.

"Does it explain your crush on your boyfriend, Mr. Keay?"

"Shut up, Jon."


End file.
